PRO Tip 5: HTFU

Rule 5 is somewhat sacrosanct, thanks to the Velominati.  Though I don't agree with many of their Rules, this one is true.  Harden The Fuck Up.  You'll never know what you can do unless you push yourself to do it.  Sometimes it's a century.  Sometimes it's a double-century.  Sometimes it's 15,000' in a ride.  Sometimes it's just holding onto that wheel in front of you.  Stop whining, harden the fuck up, and get on it!

PRO Tip 4: It's Not About The Bike

Don't get caught up in that game.  No matter what you have, someone else will be able to take it one step further.  Just got yourself a fancy new Colnago?  Sweet!  Marco had his custom-painted.  George had his custom build signed by Ernesto Colnago.  Sylvia had her family crest acid-etched into the custom-drawn lugs of hers.  The point is: love your bike, but don't compare it to others.  You'll never be happy if you do.

PRO Tip 3: Learn to Ride

Laying down Watts is cool.  I can totally respect that.  But if you don't know how to take a corner or ride a straight line, we're going to have problems.  It's okay, everyone has to start somewhere.  Find a local group ride and ask to tag along.  Be honest about your ability.  Most rides are happy to teach you their particular rules.  Just don't figure you'll learn to ride in a group during your first criterium.  Really want to learn how to ride?  Race cyclocross.  You'll crash a ton, but at least I'll be there to drink beer and heckle you when it happens.

PRO Tip 2: Maintain Your Bike

Everyone hates you.  You get a flat every single ride.  People know you by your chain squeak.  You put so much lube on your chain that not only do you spray the poor sod behind you with grease, it looks like a beaver got stuck in your drive-train.  The "tick, tick, tick" of your chain as it sits between cogs.  Everyone hates you.  Your mechanical issues plague every group ride.  Your lack of maintenance leads to crashes in the field sprint.  Don't be a hazard and annoyance to everyone around you.  Just maintain your bike.  If you want it to treat you well, you have to treat it well.

PRO Tip 1: Life Isn't Fair

Hate to break it to you, Sunshine, life isn't fair.  Other people will have more talent, more money, better hair, perkier tits, and/or bigger wangs.  Deal with it.  Change what you can.  Train better, eat smarter, study race tactics.  I know a lot of people who have very little natural talent, but more than made up for it with hard work.